LOVE

Recently I have read and seen posts, news articles, and blogs about a child committing suicide to escape bullying or the feeling of being alone… I can not tell you how much this hurts my heart. How painful it is to hear that no one noticed what was happening with this child, and never reached out to them to prevent them from destroying their life… No one told them they were loved enough to stand up to the bullying, that they were worth the world. Not to live without a sliver of hope.

I have lived without hope.

I grew up in a Christian home. I knew deep down that it was a sin to commit suicide, and yet – I tried to kill myself, several times. Twice I attempted to overdose. I almost succeeded once before being hospitalized. I’ve written a little about it here: http://sharawright.wordpress.com/2010/03/18/oh-lord-i-have-sinned/

There were other times that I cut myself – thinking it was an escape to the pain. I still have scars on my wrists, reminders that I once imagined that I might eventually have the guts to actually do it for real.

And there was a day I knew I would have succeeded, but God works in mysterious ways. I was depressed, I was in pain, I felt hopeless. I couldn’t see the light of day. I couldn’t bear through another day of feeling alone. I felt worthless. I felt like I couldn’t take another breath without being in pain. My parents loved me, and I knew it, but they were both busy living life and raising my baby brother. I felt alone. I looked around the house for anything to take, swallow, drink. I was desperate. I had friends, but no one knew the mental torture I was putting myself through. No one knew.

I literally was holding a bottle of an extremely toxic cleaning agent. In my hands. I was sitting on the floor with tears in my eyes. I was in pain. My hands were shaking. I was reading the ingredients to make sure they would work. I was blinded by it. My heart cried out for help… God delivered.

My baby brother wasn’t more than 5 or 6. I have no doubt he will never remember this day, even though it is etched into my brain. I was sitting on the ground… hurting, and he came into the room. “Shara? Where are you?” “Here. I’m here… What do you need.” I always felt like I was a second mother. Always helping, always watching, always caring for. I imagined it was just another something I was needed for. Something else that just had to be done for my brother. “I’m here…” monotone, in pain, knowing in the deepest darkest part of my heart what I was going to do the moment he was gone.

“I just needed to tell you… I love you.”

I love you…

Love.

One simple word, changed that moment. Changed my world in that second, that I saw a glimpse of light.

Of hope.

I love my brother for that day.

Now, there were days since that day, where I tried much harder to succeed than that – days where I have faced death. Days where I have begged and prayed to God to release me. Days more recent than I would like to admit… but there is always a moment where there is a glimpse of light, even in the darkest moments. Flashes the make the darkest moments light as day. Someone is always there to say the word love. Even if it is the silent voice that only speaks deep into my soul.

What is lacking in today’s society that not enough people are being told they are loved? Why are the children being bullied to the extreme? Why aren’t we parents seeing the moments, right before these children lose hope?

I have been there. I have faced the darkest moments right before death.

It hurts my very core to think that another child… someone who has not even seen the darkest or lightest points in their lives could ever feel so hopeless. I know that I pray wholeheartedly that my children are never faced with that pain. That I will tell them daily that I love them. That I can tell them there is something to live for no matter what they face. That they will always have a reason to search for the light, in their darkest hours. That the light will come.

Friends, if there is ever a moment, talk to someone. Anyone.

If you need help or resources, please know there is hope: http://twloha.com/

A reminder that I am always loved... There is always hope.

You Love Me Still The Same…

Who hears the broken promises of millions, the silent prayers of those in pain?

Who hears the silent screams of all the children, crying quietly in the rain?

Who hears us slander one another, the ones who scream “I HATE YOU!” to His name?

Who is the Holy One?

The one who loves us all the same…

Loves us all the same.

I’ve been beaten down and broken.  Unsure of where I go from here.

I’ve been burned at every turn, chastised for every tear.

My heart cries out to you, God.

My eyes look for your face in the crowd.

My heart aches for your peace, Lord.

My mind doesn’t know how…

It’s been a thousand sleepless nights, of pain at every turn.

Searching for the Truth, being told it’s not mine to learn.

My heart cries out to you, God.

My eyes look for your face in the crowd.

My heart aches for your peace, Lord.

My mind doesn’t know how…

I wander alone, amongst the fallen.  Finding lies disguised as hope.

I’m pushed to my limit, reaching for the noose at the end of my rope.

I’m expected to stand tall.  Instead I’m falling deeper, my back’s against the wall.

Your heart cries out to me, God.

You search for my face in the crowd.

Your heart cries for my peace, Lord.

Your arms know exactly how…

Your Word is a promise.

Your Word is wise.

Your Word is love, Lord.

Your Word is my prize.

I’m beaten down and broken.  You love me all the same.

I’ve been burned for a million reasons, dealing with the pain.

You wipe away my tears, Lord.  You cover me with rain.

You love me for all my faults, Lord.

You love me, still the same.

I am a broken promise.  I’ve prayed against the pain.

I am your screaming child, seething in the pain.

You hear me slandering my neighbor, saying “I HATE YOU!” to Your Name.

Lord, your love is precious.  You cover me with rain.

Your heart cries out to me, God.

You search for my face in the crowd.

Your heart cries for my peace, Lord.

You say my name out loud.

Your Word is my promise.

Your Word makes me wise.

Your Word is my love, Lord.

Your Word is my prize.

Your heart cries out to me, God.

You search for my face in the crowd.

Your heart cries for my peace, Lord.

You say my name out loud.

You love me, still the same, Lord.

You love me, still the same.

- Shara Wright, 2011

Needs to be said…

….and it’s written perfectly by someone other than myself.

“Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing.  There is a time for silence.  A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny.  And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over.”  -  Gloria Naylor

I feel like letting go.

Six.

My son is SIX years old.  How could the time have possibly gone by so quickly.  How did six years go by, in the blink of an eye?

 His birthday was on Tuesday.  Just on Monday he came home sporting his brand new super wiggley tooth, too.  It feels like just yesterday he was just sprouting brand new tiny little teeth in his chubby little mouth.  It feels like just yesterday he was just a tiny little wiggley monster in my arms, and now if I try to give him a huge hug, he says. “Come on, Mom!!!!!” and tries to push me away.  Every once in a blue moon, I can get him to cuddle with me, but he is getting bigger by the minute, and soon he’ll be off to college waiting to become the next big thing, not Momma’s little boy anymore.

I know I don’t tell him enough, but he makes me so proud, every single day, for who he is.  Just for being HIM.  He is an amazing little boy, and I will be so proud of the man he becomes.  Sometimes I wish it wouldn’t go by so fast…

He is stubborn, just like me.  He sure can push my buttons, which he does every day.  Some days it’s harder than others to not let it get to me.

But those killer blues sure do help!

One of these days he’s gone to make someone swoon.

I just hope they’ll be up to my standards!! 

Love you, my Aidan boy.  You are perfect, forever and always.

 

Oh, Great Pumpkin, where are you?

“I would rather sit on a pumpkin and have it all to myself, than be crowded on a velvet cushion.” – Henry David Thoreau

Topical Tuesdays

I have a few friends who like to blog – a few I’ve been in blog projects with before, and we all love to write! Each of us are on a different journey within our separate lives, but want to continue to share the blogging journey with each other! We’re going to take turns coming up with a topic every Tuesday and we each have to blog about it by the end of that day and then we will post links to each others’ blogs. That way we can each share our different perspectives on the same topic with each other, and any readers that are interested in what we have to say!

My fellow bloggers are:

Nicole
Sara
Jenn
Wendy

It’s my turn – Topic:  Pumpkins.  Now, go!

It’s that Season again.  Fall.  The air gets cooler and crisper.  The leaves turn beautiful shades of orange, red and yellow.  People start wearing warmer clothes.  School has begun, and people have started thinking about Halloween and Thanksgiving!  It’s the time of year that Starbucks brings back their delicious Pumpkin Spice Latte.  Oh.  My.  Gosh.  Yes.

This drink is fantastic, and makes the start of the Season, oh so much more delish.  Normally I am a Caramel Macchiato kind of girl, but this time of year, I LOVE anything and everything pumpkin!  I love Pumpkin pie, and this year, I’m even going to try making a Pumpkin Cheesecake.  I know it will taste divine!!  I’m even asking my hubs to make me some Smashing Pumpkin Beer!!  Ohhhhh, yeah!!

Before kids, I was never a Fall kinda’ gal.  I love my Summers.  Give me HOT & DRY, a pool & a cool daiquiri in one hand and ice-cold water in the other, and I am in heaven.  Since I’ve had kids, though, I have come to appreciate and even start to love Fall.  It’s beautiful.  I walk out side and can smell how fresh everything is.  You can smell the cold snap in your lungs and it just brings every part of your being awake.  It’s  not too cold yet, where you have to bundle up and drink something….  anything, just to warm up and to get rid of the chill.  It’s when you drink something warm to ENJOY it.  Savor it.  Let the taste of Pumpkin linger on your tongue and let it warm everything from your fingertips to your toes.

Honestly, I just need to have a part-time job at Starbucks just for the fact that I need to be able to feed my addiction to coffee and tea year round.  When they had the Berry Chai Tea…  That was another one that reminded me of pie.  Maybe it’s not just Pumpkin, but that my drinks need to taste like Homemade Pie.

Yum.

Well, I just need to say – that the person who created the Pumpkin Spice Latte – I am grateful!  It is delicious and I love the taste!  It brings my Fall in with a warmth of heart and soul, and keeps me going, even though it seems like the mornings are earlier than I want them to be.  Pumpkins are a reason to smile, on a cool Fall day.  There is so much to look forward to in the Fall!  Going to the Pumpkin Patch and everyone picking their very own perfect pumpkin, letting it hang out on the porch until carving day.  Saving the seeds to make a delicious and healthy snack!  Taking pictures of everything!!  Some of my absolute favorite pictures of the kiddos are when they are picking out Pumpkins.  I hope these are times that they will remember when they are older.

And I just love it when Audrey looks at one of the mini-pumpkins and says, “Ohhhhh!!  It’s a baby one!!  Can we get it, so it can be by the Mommy pumpkin!!”  That’s my girl.

I also love Punkins.  I’ve got four that I love to pieces.  But that’s a whole entirely different topic, for an entirely different day!! 

So, my friends, go out and enjoy a Pumpkin Spice Latte!   I’m sure I will do the same sometime REALLY soon!

Really? Really. Ugh.

“I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars.” – Charlie Sheen

Topical Tuesdays

I have a few friends who like to blog – a few I’ve been in blog projects with before, and we all love to write! Each of us are on a different journey within our separate lives, but want to continue to share the blogging journey with each other! We’re going to take turns coming up with a topic every Tuesday and we each have to blog about it by the end of that day and then we will post links to each others’ blogs. That way we can each share our different perspectives on the same topic with each other, and any readers that are interested in what we have to say!

My fellow bloggers are:

Nicole
Sara
Jenn
Wendy

Sara asked us:  I want to know which celebrity you are really sick of and why…

There are three that irk me.  Three that just make my skin CRAWL when I think of them.  That make me just want to scream, “SHUT UP!!!  DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT NORMAL IS?!”  That make me think, if that is what celebrity is about, who wants it?

First:  Charlie Sheen.  The man is living in a world of crazy.  Perhaps he is putting on a show.  Perhaps he isn’t.  Why does he feel the need to be “Winning”?  He is one cocky SOB, and I don’t enjoy hearing about how crazy he has gotten, or worse.  His brother Emilio hasn’t gone off the deep end, so perhaps it isn’t familial.  I feel so horrible for his children.  What kind of questions are they going to be asked when they go to school?  “Hey, what is your Dad on today??”  ”Your Dad is crazy.  You can see it in his eyes.”  “Does he think he’s funny?  ’Cuz he’s just being creepy and annoying.”  If I was his kid, I would crawl in a hole and hide.  But, you can’t do that when you are the kid of a major celebrity, especially one that is bat-crazy like Mr. Sheen.  The paparazzi is everywhere.  How does he not see his actions as being what we “normal” people consider insane and that of a total maniac?  How can he get away with it?  If someone I knew and loved started acting like that, we would go through an intervention and then subsequently, put them in a nut house, right?! 

Second:  Mel Gibson.  COME ON.  Again, another celebrity who has gone crazy.  The problem with these two, is they ALSO have been charged for beating their signficant others.  WHAT?!  What planet do we live on that this is considered “OKAY” by celebrity standards??  “Yeah, I’m super rich and famous, so I can beat my wife/girlfriend/lover/acquaintance/stripper/paid prostitute and get away with it!”  Who has all those things anyway?  Oh, yeah, Mel & Charlie - all at once.  Sick.  What get’s me most, is that at one time (I’m sure he would still say he was), Mel Gibson thought of himself as a Christian.  Wow.  It hurts my soul to think that people think Christians are accepting of this behaviour.  You know when they say that you have to reach rock bottom to realize your faults and it can only go up from there?  Yeah….  Well, Mel.  Don’t you think you’ve hit rock bottom yet?  You are despised by most of the female population for your antics.

Third:  Tom Cruise.  UGH.  Could the man be any weirder?  He seems charming and handsome, and he’s a relatively good actor, and I actually can say that I have enjoyed films that he’s been in recently, BUT – Scientology is a bit of a stretch for me.  Want the low-down on what it is?  Check it out here:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scientologyhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scientology

What is interesting to me, is that a bunch of celebs have jumped on that crazy bandwagon!!  “Yes, we all believe in a religion based off of a Science-Fiction Novel.”  SHEEP!!!!  What makes sense about this?  How is experiencing painful and traumatic events of my past going to help me be a better person?  What’s past is past, let’s all just move on from here?!  And Tom, what on earth have you done to that beautiful and vivacious Kate Holmes?  She looks like a hollow shell of a woman now.  Just blank stares and haunting eyes.

Honestly, I try not to keep up with the annoying celeb gossip.  I keep up with births and the silly names that all of the celebs think up.  I keep up with the sad and tragic deaths that happen, and what a sadness it brings that we might have lost an icon to the entertainment world.  But…  it’s just that.  It is completely entertainment.  It is not normal life.  I can sit back, and look at it as a movie, and that these three are the archenemies of some wonderful heroine that saves the day.  I can just sit back and laugh, because it is NOT my life.

I am sad though, for the lives that interact with them, and how hurtful it can be…  How hard it can be to be a child growing up in a toxic environment.  Look at what happened to Michael Jackson.  What a sad world he lived in…  So alone.

Growing up famous.  Certainly not “winning”.

 

A little bit of pleasure, goes a long long way…

“Pleasure is the greatest incentive to evil.”  – Plato

Topical Tuesdays

I have a few friends who like to blog – a few I’ve been in blog projects with before, and we all love to write! Each of us are on a different journey within our separate lives, but want to continue to share the blogging journey with each other! We’re going to take turns coming up with a topic every Tuesday and we each have to blog about it by the end of that day and then we will post links to each others’ blogs. That way we can each share our different perspectives on the same topic with each other, and any readers that are interested in what we have to say!

My fellow bloggers are:

Nicole
Sara
Jenn
Wendy

Jenn asked us this week:  What’s your guilty pleasure?

Okay.  I’m straight forward and blunt.  This is one thing you’ll have to learn about me.  I don’t try to keep secrets from many people.  So, most people know my OLD guilty pleasure was smoking.  Honestly and truthfully, I miss smoking.  It was relaxing.  It gave me a few minutes of peace away from chaos.  It was a bad habit. 

I don’t smoke anymore. 

Since having kids, I don’t drink much.  I snack too often, but I don’t feel guilty about it. 

I’m not sure what my guilty pleasure is, unless you count Facebook.  I spend WAY too much time on Facebook!  I can access it from my phone and the laptop (which is currently out of commission right now, but I’m using the hubby’s work laptop).  I think I use it as my way to relax and recoup.  It’s a way to vent.  I use it to get advice.  I use it to give advice.  I spend WAY to much time on it.  It does make me feel a little guilty.  It makes me feel like I don’t pay enough attention to the other things in my life, sometimes. 

Facebook is always there, though.  Mostly on the weekends, I leave it be, and concentrate on other things.  I am not on it 24/7.  I can avoid it if I need to. 

There are other days.  Stressful days.  When I’m constantly on the run, picking up, dropping off, going to Dr’s appointments, going to the store, listening to screaming babies in the car, telling whining children to stop whining and to just be quiet.  Those days.  I treat myself to an A&W Root beer Float. 

So, right now.  Those are my guilty pleasures.  I’m sure I have a ton more that I just can’t think about right now, since my brain feels slightly fried about some other issues that take precedence right now. 

Guilty pleasures sure are just that though…  Pleasures.    I think I might need a root beer float soon!!  I think that might put me back on track!

It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to…

“It takes a long time to grow young.” – Pablo Picasso

Topical Tuesdays

I have a few friends who like to blog – a few I’ve been in blog projects with before, and we all love to write! Each of us are on a different journey within our separate lives, but want to continue to share the blogging journey with each other! We’re going to take turns coming up with a topic every Tuesday and we each have to blog about it by the end of that day and then we will post links to each others’ blogs. That way we can each share our different perspectives on the same topic with each other, and any readers that are interested in what we have to say!

My fellow bloggers are:

Nicole
Sara
Jenn
Wendy

Wendy asked us this week (and I am posting late…  I’m sorry!!) – People either love em, or hate em; have them, or avoid them. How do you feel about birthday parties?

I’ve never been a huge fan of Birthdays.  Something always seems to not turn out quite right, and I get bummed out, which is ridiculous.  Perhaps it’s my own fault for having too high of expectations, or having false expectations of what Birthdays are supposed to be like.  I am now content just to go out for a nice dinner and leave it at that.  Last year, my sweet hubby wanted to throw me a rocking 30th Birthday bash, which I was super excited about!!  Everything was planned to the T, and a couple of days before, I was READY to get my drink on!  The kids were at Grandma & Grandpa’s overnight, I was going to get to go out for sushi (one of my all time favorite meals), see a hysterical show, and drink myself silly while I turned the big 3-0!  …and I found out I was pregnant with number 4!  Well, I didn’t get to drink, but I had a wonderful time, but I still think I get a 30th do-over! 

Regardless, I’m happy to just have dinner out.  Not to cook, clean or do anything else!  Sleep in late, and just relax, since I feel like the other 364 days a year, I don’t get to do that!  But,  honestly Birthdays are just another day.  If I didn’t get to do those things, it would just pass by like any other day.  Nothing exciting or special.  Except that I share it with Arnold Schwarzenegger.  Great.

Love you like a love song…

 ”Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and cannot remain silent.” – Victor Hugo

Topical Tuesdays

I have a few friends who like to blog – a few I’ve been in blog projects with before, and we all love to write! Each of us are on a different journey within our separate lives, but want to continue to share the blogging journey with each other! We’re going to take turns coming up with a topic every Tuesday and we each have to blog about it by the end of that day and then we will post links to each others’ blogs. That way we can each share our different perspectives on the same topic with each other, and any readers that are interested in what we have to say!

We welcome our new friend, Nicole, to our blogging experience!! 

My fellow bloggers are:

Nicole
Sara
Jenn
Wendy

I was the one picking the topic this week!  I asked:  We all love music, right?! Music makes the world go ’round!! BUT – there’s that one song that you wake up in the middle of the night, and it’s in your head, and it just won’t leave. What is that song?

Recently I’ve noticed that I’ve been listening to much different types of music than I have in the past.  It has a LOT to do with my kids, I’m sure!  When I was younger, I would dance around and sing to my Grandma’s Camelot recordings, and to my parents CD’s, which ranged from Cats and Le Mis to Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers to Mozart.  When I was first able to pick out my own music, I had Debbie Gibson and Cyndi Lauper records, then it moved on to Christian rock, you know – stuff like DC Talk, Michael W. Smith and Amy Grant.  Later, it was still Christian music, but leaning towards the alternative and heavy metal side of things…  Hoi Polloi, Steve Taylor, Audio Adrenaline, Jars Of Clay, Skillet, P.O.D, and Sixpense None The Richer.  When I reached High School, I was digging on all of that, and more…  Nirvana, Del Amitri, Tonic, a little bit of Metallica, Sevendust and Pearl Jam thrown in for good measure.  My Senior year alone, I was part of 4 (or was it 5) different choirs and theatre.  I sang everything from classical pieces, jazz and jingles, to more modern pieces and belted my little heart out on-stage.  I tell you, during that time of my life, I don’t ever remember waking up in the middle of the night singing a song.  Even though the majority of my life at the time, was music. 

Over the years I have added new music here and there.  Different varieties from Jeff Buckley to ICP (Jeff Buckley is amazing, and ICP is horrid, but it was a difficult time in my life, and it’s trashy, angry and loud).  I love Ani DiFranco and Tori Amos.  I turn it up loud when Disturbed comes on.  I sing along to every lyric to Fiest.  I turn it up loud AND sing along to every lyric when I listen to Muse!!  I could go on forever…  Music is such a huge part of my life.  Now, most recently I’ve started to love a type of music that I never thought I would – I’m laughing out loud as I write this, but I LOVE The Black Eyed Peas.  My kids have heard their songs on different movies, and TV shows, and we have all gotten hooked to the good dance beats and funkiness of it all.  Plus, every once in a while, I like to pretend I can sing like Fergie and be “Fergalicious”, even though she does NOT have a voice that would move mountains!!  It’s still just fun and funky!  Speaking of great voices, though, give me a little Harry Connick Jr. and I will swoon.  It’s like butta’! 

Let’s go back around to the topic at hand, though.  None of the bands that I love seem to repeat incessantly in my head.  More often than I care to say, the songs that repeated through my head were along the lines of WonderPets and Backyardigans songs!  Yes, I am a Mommy, and my kids watched those shows over and over.  Now my kids are a little older, and we’ve been watching a lot of Disney Channel.  The kids have started watching all the shows like, Good Luck Charlie and Wizards of Waverly Place.  Because the main actresses on those shows are also musicians Disney tends to play/overplay certain popular songs they’ve done.  What’s funny is that the song that plays quite often in my head, doesn’t drive me crazy, like the WonderPets always did.  I find myself singing along to it, and keep wondering in my head if I should just go and buy the album, or buy the single!!  I currently have repeating over and over in my head – I wake up in the middle of the night, singing, ‘I Love You Like A Love Song’ by Selena Gomez and the Scene.

 

It actually isn’t all that bad…  It makes me smile!  It’s got a good beat, and she has a pretty voice!  …and occasionally when I feel like serenading Aaron, I sing in my most alluring Selena Gomez voice, ‘I-I love you like a love song, bay-be and I keep hittin’ repeat, peat, peat, peat, peat.”

Maybe it can be stuck in your head now, and I’ll move on to some new Disney Diva’s song, that I never thought I would like!!

God never meant us to have just another average day in paradise…

“Refuse to be average.  Let your heart soar as high as it will.”  A.W. Tozer

It is on my heart to write today…  About being average.  Run-of-the-mill.  Just another Average Joe in this huge world of blue and green.  Another face that blends into the crowd. 

A friend of mine and I were talking the other day, and she stated how she was “just average” at everything.  I automatically said, “That’s not true!  Everyone is good at something!”  I fully and whole-heartedly agree with that statement.  I believe that everyone is exceptional in thier own special way.  I have always believed that.  Even in the deepest and darkest times of my life, I knew I was good at something.  Mostly, for me, I am an exceptionally loyal and passionate person.  In that past, I know that I have not felt quite good enough in certain aspects.  I am not a star knitter.  I certainly am not an organazational guru.  I’m pretty average when it comes to photograpy (all those nay sayers out there that have seen my work, yes, I know you all love me, and think that I’m great, but honestly, I’m average, and I’m coming to accept that I am).  I am certainly not a perfect wife or mother…  Although, for Aaron and my children, I am.  But I AM good at many things.  I can sing (although not perfectly, but I sure do love it).  I am a great reader.  I’ve got a flair for design.   …and I can write.  I know that my writing has been able to evoke emotion in others – perhaps I won’t be able to reach the world with what I write, but I ceratainly can touch those around me, and I intend to.

Recently my husband, children and I, started going back to Church.  We had been searching for sometime to find a place where we belonged.  Granted, when we go to Kentucky and fully emerse ourselves with one of my favorite families of all time, who happen to be bible believing Jesus Freaks, I come back feeling fullfilled and stregthened.  SB & her hubs (Rev Kev – Yes, he’s a Reverened in KY) fully love us, and accept us for who we are, despite all our flaws.  The time we spend there is wonderful – the connection we feel there fills my heart.  I needed to find that feeling here, at home. 

Now, there aren’t many churches out there that a tattooed Momma to four, who’s got a bit of a wild streak, and who is completely outspoken, is going to be welcomed with open arms.  There aren’t that many places that speak to me.  There aren’t many churches that are a little bit Rock & Roll, and that will make me stand up and listen.  There aren’t many places that will give you a message that will make you impassioned by what you hear.  We found the perfect Church for us, in Torch.  When we walked in, we knew we were in the right place.  My “average” friend approached me, and I immediately felt a kindred spirit.  We felt the power of God through these people, and yes, it was unexpected, but compelling.  It made me realize a part of my life that I had left for so long, needed to be filled back up…

I have always believed that God was on my side.  Leading me to where I am today.  Making me into the exceptionally above average woman that I am meant to be.  I may have turned my back on him many times, and struggled through life, but he has always been guiding me, and watching me, and loving me despite it all.  My favorite passage in the Bible is this, and it touches me the way no other part of the Bible has:

Psalm 139:1 O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
3 You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
4 Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
5 You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.

7 Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
8 If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
9 If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
12 even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.

13 For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. [1]
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you.

It still speaks to the core of my being.  It reminds me that God didn’t make me to be average.  He didn’t make me to be run-of-the-mill.  He made me to be a Truth-Seeker.  He made me to be exceptional for Him.  To my dear friend, I want to say to you…  God isn’t content with the average run-of-the-mill person.  He did not make you average.  He made you special, and you need to search for it.  You need to look inside yourself and know that you are strong.  Throw away the thoughts in the back of your head that you aren’t good enough, that you were never quite exceptional.  YOU are an amazing person.  You are what God has intended you to be, and you are extraordinary.  You just need to believe it.  You need to find that burning passion inside of yourself, and let it overwhelm you.  Let it burn away at the negative thoughts that consume you.  The little insecurities that hurt your heart and soul…  You are loved by a phenomenal God and he will not let you sit back and just be average.  You need to stand up.  Scream at the top of your lungs, “I WAS MADE TO BE REMARKABLE!  I was made to be ME!”

…and we will work on finding that thing that you don’t think you are amazing at, and we will find it, and make it yours.  Refuse the mediocre.  Stand-up.  Lift your face up and breath in…  Know that you are loved and in that love is an amazing knowledge that you are above and beyond the ordinary.  You are exceptional.