Tragedy…

What happened today in Boston is tragic. The heartache that the families must be going through is terrifying, and I pray for healing and a sense of peace and unity.
Something does bother me through this, though… The people that are terrified of leaving their homes, because this is the “worst time in the History of the World”, and the people that pray for Jesus’ second coming. Yes, I want Jesus to come, but no one knows the hour or the day except the Father, and tragedy is part of this fallen world… We can not just sit there, wallowing in fear in our homes, scared of the World and pray for God to ascend from above. That is not what the Father wants us to do. He wants us to speak about His undying and unending love. He wants us to live our lives in honor, love and dignity, especially through tragedy. He wants us to be Jesus to the World.
This is not the worst tragedy that has happened. This is not the worst thing that has happened in the History of humankind. We should not be afraid to leave our homes. We shouldn’t be afraid to support one another or come together in love and unity. We should always come together in prayer and love. We shouldn’t be afraid to live our lives, or to give our children the best that we can give them, and help them to understand that even through tragedy, we can and do have hope for the World. Support one another through sorrow, but realize that we can awake anew tomorrow. The sun will still rise, flowers will still bloom. Tragedy in this fallen world is inevitable… Lets learn love, and know this isn’t the worst time in History. This is just another sad day IN History.
There will be more sad days…
Throughout the history of humanity, tragedy has struck in many many forms. Today we have seen how mental instability can cause tragedy in the form of bombings and school shootings. But, we have already been through two terrifying World Wars. In World War II alone, 60 million people died. That was 2.5% of the worlds population at the time! Not many people knew of Josef Mengele’s experiments during the time of Auschwitz. He was truly a mass murderer. Countless people died (many children) by his own hand. The tragedy that surrounded this man was astounding. The personal “experiments” he did would shock people today.
During the Bubonic Plague (ie: The Black Death) one third to one half of the European population was eliminated by the tragedy. Dead were piled in the streets. People were afraid of their own family members. People were truly afraid to leave their homes.
We have had the Great Depression, The Great Famine in China, countless Wars, Tyrants, Mass Murders, the sex trade all over the world that humiliates and mutualizes young children, the ritual killings of the Mayan people, to the destruction of the Native American way of life, don’t forget the Economic collapses all over the world. Take a look back into Biblical times and there were wars and famine there too. There were people that were mentally unstable and harmed themselves and others. People had incurable diseases, just like today. Death has had a grip on humanity, since the fall of man.
Let us be Jesus during this time. Let us face each and every day as if it’s a new and glorious day. Let us not dwell in the tragedies of this fallen World, but be bringers of peace, acceptance and love… no matter our sex, race, creed, sexual orientation, personal or political views… Let us believe in hope. Let’s believe in love, and not let the many tragedies of this world dictate our lives. Let’s wake up, refreshed and renewed by each and every day, and live in His strength.
No matter what kind of tragedy that each day brings…

Broken

All too often I sink. It’s pitch black in the depths, it’s hard to see up from the dark waters that engulf me. It takes effort to breath… To even lift my head. It feels impossible. I am broken.
Somedays I ache. I pray to God for release. I wonder why he doesn’t “love me enough” to just let me go. Or why he doesnt want me to be with Him in glory, forever. I wonder why I feel so worthless. I wonder what is my purpose. What could possibly be the point of me feeling like dying would just be doing the world a favor? Is this even considered “life”?
I have four little reasons why I wouldn’t take my own life, but I still have moments, even days, weeks it seems, when I can barely make it through the day without the thoughts of pain running through my head. Not just the physical pain that wreaks havoc on my bones and the anxiety and migraines that make it hard to face the day, but the darkness inside my soul that burns… The fire eats me alive from the inside. There is a woman caged inside my soul. She is screaming to be let loose… the fire is devouring her. Day to day I feel my brokenness seeping into my every day life, and I’m terrified that I wont be able to control it. That one day, I’ll slip and take the easy route. That one day I won’t care…
Reading the Word is amazing and does wonders, but what about those days when you can barely open up its pages… What happens then… What happens when you are broken beyond repair & there is no point to putting you back together again? Does God even want that woman? Does He just turn a blind eye? Why can’t I hear God’s voice in those moments? Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? I just feel like I’m sinking deeper. Further into the dark water, where unknown creatures live. They watch me… They stalk, waiting for that brief moment in time when I stop looking for a way out, and start accepting the black, letting the water weigh down my lungs, and sinking… Closing my eyes, knowing its inevitable for them to attack.
God does speak… Through people, through the sun, through the rain. By just opening His book. The effort it takes is excruciating. The pages are weighed down. The moment it takes is worth it. The moment it takes, He speaks.

This suffering may last a lifetime, but He makes me whole… I am broken beyond repair. I can’t do it alone. I can’t pull myself out on my own. I can’t… These dark moments won’t ever disappear. The enemy knows how to hurt me. The enemy knows, and he throws me back in the ocean, screaming and in pain. But my God is bigger. He gives me eternal glory. If in a moment of weakness I slip underneath the water and decide not to swim, he pulls me in close, drying me off with his grace. He is LOVE. He is love…

My lost art…

I’ve always felt that writing is a catharsis. That little bits of my soul seep from deep within, and etch themselves onto the page. They roll across the page, shifting in moments of dark and light, exposing my heart. I give little pieces of myself away…
It leaves me vulnerable, like a wound… And yet, somehow through the pain, and the darkness, and the bits of light shining through, there is strength in these words.
There is a sort of power with written word. It has the power to build up. To give the reader a sense of promise and strength. Courage. And it also has then power to rip you apart. To evoke emotions that leave you powerless, desperate. Your soul, ripped to shreds, and left… Left to bleed the life out of you, the writer. Those that are good at writing, can evoke both sides for the reader. They can lift them up, bring them through the darkened valley, down on their knees crying for release, and then bring them back to the light.
I don’t write often enough. My soul cries to be let out on the page… And when I don’t let it escape, it bleeds into my life and tries to tear down the walls on its own. It wreaks havoc on my psyche, and leads me to question myself, my reason for being. When I don’t write, I tear myself apart in real life, not just on the page…
Perhaps this is a realization that I need to keep writing to keep myself afloat. To keep myself alive. To breathe.
To write…
And then to take in the sweet pure breathe of life just to write some more.

All I really NEED

Today I have come across many instances where I read or heard the word “need” in many different instances.  Most pointedly it came across in several different pieces of music this morning on my Gungor radio station on Pandora.  Many Christian songs came up stating that I needed God to trust him, love him, NEED him.  It made me think…  What do I need, besides God?  Friends, my family, my home, money, food, clothes…life?  Those are all necessities.  Those are all things I need to get me from day-to-day.  Right?  Right…?

I want to examine those for a moment…

Friends come and go.  Friends can be fickle, they can build you up one second and tear you apart the next.  They can say they are completely understanding about what’s happening in your life, but the moment something happens, or the moment you bring God into the equation & stand up for yourself, they turn on you quicker than you ever realized.  God is a constant.  He will never change and will always love you, regardless of what happens in your life.  He will never ever turn on you and will always build you up, with His amazing Words.  God is the Best Friend you will ever have.

As much as I love my husband, there is no guarantee that he will continue to be there for me every second of every day.  He disappoints me (sorry, babe, but sometimes you do!), he irks me, he doesn’t always follow through.  There is no certainty that he will always be there…  he could get fed up and leave (not that you ever will… but), he could get in an accident and go into a coma, he could die….  God is a constant.  He will always be there for me, lifting me higher and higher towards Him.  He always follows through, no matter how long it takes.  He never disappoints, never leaves, never dies.

My children are in the same boat.  They will tell me they hate me someday and break my heart.  They will disobey, they will lie, they will try cheating the rules.  Isn’t that what I do to God, too?  Yet, he loves me so much, I can’t even fathom the amount…  More than I could possibly love my children, even though they do the same to me.  God is always there.

My house could burn down…  God walks me through the fire.

Money comes and goes…  God provides even in the midst of the darkest times.

Food on the table and the clothes on my back, are given to me graciously and lovingly.  Those aren’t even a requirement.  God is gracious and loving and provides each and every little thing.

So many of these things I realized are things that I want.  I want a family.  I want a roof over my head and food in my children’s bellies.  I want health and happiness.

Want.

I came to a realization that I don’t NEED anything except God.

That’s a pretty big realization.

When I think about my family, my loves of my life…  I realize that I want them.  I want each and every one of them in my life.  I want them in my life with every ounce of what I am, but God knows that I don’t NEED them.  I only need Him.

Life can be snuffed out in an instant…  My life gone in seconds.  I don’t need my life, but it is graciously given from the one who knows that I only NEED Him.

I only need Him.

I ONLY need Him.

I ONLY NEED HIM.  My God.  My Savior.  My LIFE.

And when I realized that, it became abundantly clear that I am so blessed each and every day for the things that I wanted, and I that I recieved so much.  That God knew exactly what I wanted, and gave them each to me at the appropriate time in my life, so that I could use those blessings for a greater good.  That each and every second of each and every day my WANTS are being met, because all I really NEED is God.

God is speaking to me in profound ways…  and I NEED to hear what He has to say.

 

Psalm 40

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.

2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.

3 He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him.

4 Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods.

5 Many, Lord my God, are the wonders you have done, the things you planned for us. None can compare with you; were I to speak and tell of your deeds, they would be too many to declare.

6 Sacrifice and offering you did not desire— but my ears you have openedt— burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require.

7 Then I said, “Here I am, I have come— it is written about me in the scroll.

8 I desire to do your will, my God; your law is within my heart.”

9 I proclaim your saving acts in the great assembly; I do not seal my lips, Lord, as you know.

10 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart; I speak of your faithfulness and your saving help. I do not conceal your love and your faithfulness from the great assembly.

11 Do not withhold your mercy from me, Lord; may your love and faithfulness always protect me.

12 For troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see. They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me.

13 Be pleased to save me, Lord; come quickly, Lord, to help me.

14 May all who want to take my life be put to shame and confusion; may all who desire my ruin be turned back in disgrace.

15 May those who say to me, “Aha! Aha!” be appalled at their own shame.

16 But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who long for your saving help always say, “The Lord is great!”

17 But as for me, I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; you are my God, do not delay.

LOVE

Recently I have read and seen posts, news articles, and blogs about a child committing suicide to escape bullying or the feeling of being alone… I can not tell you how much this hurts my heart. How painful it is to hear that no one noticed what was happening with this child, and never reached out to them to prevent them from destroying their life… No one told them they were loved enough to stand up to the bullying, that they were worth the world. Not to live without a sliver of hope.

I have lived without hope.

I grew up in a Christian home. I knew deep down that it was a sin to commit suicide, and yet – I tried to kill myself, several times. Twice I attempted to overdose. I almost succeeded once before being hospitalized. I’ve written a little about it here: http://sharawright.wordpress.com/2010/03/18/oh-lord-i-have-sinned/

There were other times that I cut myself – thinking it was an escape to the pain. I still have scars on my wrists, reminders that I once imagined that I might eventually have the guts to actually do it for real.

And there was a day I knew I would have succeeded, but God works in mysterious ways. I was depressed, I was in pain, I felt hopeless. I couldn’t see the light of day. I couldn’t bear through another day of feeling alone. I felt worthless. I felt like I couldn’t take another breath without being in pain. My parents loved me, and I knew it, but they were both busy living life and raising my baby brother. I felt alone. I looked around the house for anything to take, swallow, drink. I was desperate. I had friends, but no one knew the mental torture I was putting myself through. No one knew.

I literally was holding a bottle of an extremely toxic cleaning agent. In my hands. I was sitting on the floor with tears in my eyes. I was in pain. My hands were shaking. I was reading the ingredients to make sure they would work. I was blinded by it. My heart cried out for help… God delivered.

My baby brother wasn’t more than 5 or 6. I have no doubt he will never remember this day, even though it is etched into my brain. I was sitting on the ground… hurting, and he came into the room. “Shara? Where are you?” “Here. I’m here… What do you need.” I always felt like I was a second mother. Always helping, always watching, always caring for. I imagined it was just another something I was needed for. Something else that just had to be done for my brother. “I’m here…” monotone, in pain, knowing in the deepest darkest part of my heart what I was going to do the moment he was gone.

“I just needed to tell you… I love you.”

I love you…

Love.

One simple word, changed that moment. Changed my world in that second, that I saw a glimpse of light.

Of hope.

I love my brother for that day.

Now, there were days since that day, where I tried much harder to succeed than that – days where I have faced death. Days where I have begged and prayed to God to release me. Days more recent than I would like to admit… but there is always a moment where there is a glimpse of light, even in the darkest moments. Flashes the make the darkest moments light as day. Someone is always there to say the word love. Even if it is the silent voice that only speaks deep into my soul.

What is lacking in today’s society that not enough people are being told they are loved? Why are the children being bullied to the extreme? Why aren’t we parents seeing the moments, right before these children lose hope?

I have been there. I have faced the darkest moments right before death.

It hurts my very core to think that another child… someone who has not even seen the darkest or lightest points in their lives could ever feel so hopeless. I know that I pray wholeheartedly that my children are never faced with that pain. That I will tell them daily that I love them. That I can tell them there is something to live for no matter what they face. That they will always have a reason to search for the light, in their darkest hours. That the light will come.

Friends, if there is ever a moment, talk to someone. Anyone.

If you need help or resources, please know there is hope: http://twloha.com/

A reminder that I am always loved... There is always hope.

You Love Me Still The Same…

Who hears the broken promises of millions, the silent prayers of those in pain?

Who hears the silent screams of all the children, crying quietly in the rain?

Who hears us slander one another, the ones who scream “I HATE YOU!” to His name?

Who is the Holy One?

The one who loves us all the same…

Loves us all the same.

I’ve been beaten down and broken.  Unsure of where I go from here.

I’ve been burned at every turn, chastised for every tear.

My heart cries out to you, God.

My eyes look for your face in the crowd.

My heart aches for your peace, Lord.

My mind doesn’t know how…

It’s been a thousand sleepless nights, of pain at every turn.

Searching for the Truth, being told it’s not mine to learn.

My heart cries out to you, God.

My eyes look for your face in the crowd.

My heart aches for your peace, Lord.

My mind doesn’t know how…

I wander alone, amongst the fallen.  Finding lies disguised as hope.

I’m pushed to my limit, reaching for the noose at the end of my rope.

I’m expected to stand tall.  Instead I’m falling deeper, my back’s against the wall.

Your heart cries out to me, God.

You search for my face in the crowd.

Your heart cries for my peace, Lord.

Your arms know exactly how…

Your Word is a promise.

Your Word is wise.

Your Word is love, Lord.

Your Word is my prize.

I’m beaten down and broken.  You love me all the same.

I’ve been burned for a million reasons, dealing with the pain.

You wipe away my tears, Lord.  You cover me with rain.

You love me for all my faults, Lord.

You love me, still the same.

I am a broken promise.  I’ve prayed against the pain.

I am your screaming child, seething in the pain.

You hear me slandering my neighbor, saying “I HATE YOU!” to Your Name.

Lord, your love is precious.  You cover me with rain.

Your heart cries out to me, God.

You search for my face in the crowd.

Your heart cries for my peace, Lord.

You say my name out loud.

Your Word is my promise.

Your Word makes me wise.

Your Word is my love, Lord.

Your Word is my prize.

Your heart cries out to me, God.

You search for my face in the crowd.

Your heart cries for my peace, Lord.

You say my name out loud.

You love me, still the same, Lord.

You love me, still the same.

- Shara Wright, 2011

Needs to be said…

….and it’s written perfectly by someone other than myself.

“Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing.  There is a time for silence.  A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny.  And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over.”  -  Gloria Naylor

I feel like letting go.