Oh Lord, I have sinned…

“In our nature, however, there is a provision, alike marvellous and merciful, that the sufferer should never know the intensity of what he endures by its present torture, but chiefly by the pang that rankles after it.”
- The Scarlet Letter, Nathaniel Hawthorne

Froggie asked us this week to answer this:  “We have all sinned in our lives.   We look back on it and wonder what are lives would be like if we had just made a different decision. What is one of those times for you?”

Sin…  I could go all theological on this one, and throw myself into the firey pits of hell with some of the decisions I’ve made in the past, because the good Lord knows that I am certainly a sinner.  Although – I’m going to quote Jesus on this one…  “Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone…”  Yes, I have made decisions that have made a drastic impact on my life, and that have lead me in a completely different direction than I ever could have imagined.  Those decisions however slight, changed the course of my life forever.  I wasn’t sure what I was going to pick this time (and am still wavering between a few)…  What “sin” I would choose.  There are those that bring tears to my eyes…  Mistakes that I have made that I can never get back and that make my heart ache just thinking of them…  Some of which, as I said in my previous posting, are private, and I just can’t share in this format.  Some are heartbreakingly wonderful, such as getting pregnant before we were married, and changing the course of my life completely and forever by marrying my dear sweet husband, and having our first born son.  That isn’t something I regret, though…  Not something that I look back on, and wish that I would have changed, because if I had the choice to do it all over again, I would.

No…  This one that I have picked, hurts to think about, and therefor will be more poignant as I type these letters on the page.

Have many of you thought about the teen suicide rate?  Have many of you thought about what the world would be like without you?  Thought about how each and every breath you took was torture and your outlook was nothing put pain.  How much it hurt to actually wake up and face the day…  I had many many days like these.  Sometimes I will still wonder if I belong here…  Silly, I know, but the weight of a thousand nights spent crying myself to sleep, wishing and praying silently to die, still weigh heavily on my soul. 

I overdosed twice, in the attempt to kill myself.  I regret this decision very much.  I regret what I did to my own psyche.  I regret what I did to my parents, who worried about losing a daughter….  I still worry, to this day, that I might slip back into my own personal hell, and then, this time, accomplish what I could not, then.  I worry that the depression wasn’t just in my head, but deep rooted in my genes, and could be passed on to my children…  I wouldn’t be able to bear it, if they felt the pain and agony I did for many years of my life.  Now, I wish and pray silently that they never feel the way I felt, and if they did, that I could see it, and get help for them, before it’s too late…  It pains me to think that I could lose them because of some little glitch in my brain that still murmurs (and might say to them), “You aren’t good enough.  Why are you still here…”

I overdosed once, to the point where I had to be hospitalized, and given liquid charcoal shoved down my throat to make me throw up what I had shoved down my throat to escape.  What would have happened if there hadn’t been someone there to notice me slipping away?  What would have happened…  Life does go on, but what if I had succeeded in losing myself.  I look over at my children, playing peacefully together, and I am devastated to think, they might not have ever been brought to this world, to be told how precious they are and how much I need them, so that I can really and truly live, knowing that I have done wonderful things and am significant, even if it’s something so small as being one of a billion other mothers out there, raising children to make our world a better place.  I made the mistake of trying to escape this life, and was unsuccessful with just an ounce of luck on my side.  I regret that I even tried to close my eyes to this life – but at the time, I could see no other option.  I can’t imagine what it would be like without watching my children grow up, grow older, grow into themselves.  I can’t imagine what it would be like, if the starlight in their eyes didn’t shine, and how my heart swells when they tell me they love me. 

This is one of the times I regret making a decision in my life that could have affected so many…  Making the wrong decision and almost succeeding.

Check out my other blog friends – we all write about one particular topic once a week…!

http://www.froggieknitslikecrazy.com/2010/03/make-decision-and-dont-look-back.html

http://merrylandgirl.blogspot.com/2010/03/what-if_18.html

http://charminglyrandom.blogspot.com/2010/03/path-not-taken.html

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