LOVE

Recently I have read and seen posts, news articles, and blogs about a child committing suicide to escape bullying or the feeling of being alone… I can not tell you how much this hurts my heart. How painful it is to hear that no one noticed what was happening with this child, and never reached out to them to prevent them from destroying their life… No one told them they were loved enough to stand up to the bullying, that they were worth the world. Not to live without a sliver of hope.

I have lived without hope.

I grew up in a Christian home. I knew deep down that it was a sin to commit suicide, and yet – I tried to kill myself, several times. Twice I attempted to overdose. I almost succeeded once before being hospitalized. I’ve written a little about it here: http://sharawright.wordpress.com/2010/03/18/oh-lord-i-have-sinned/

There were other times that I cut myself – thinking it was an escape to the pain. I still have scars on my wrists, reminders that I once imagined that I might eventually have the guts to actually do it for real.

And there was a day I knew I would have succeeded, but God works in mysterious ways. I was depressed, I was in pain, I felt hopeless. I couldn’t see the light of day. I couldn’t bear through another day of feeling alone. I felt worthless. I felt like I couldn’t take another breath without being in pain. My parents loved me, and I knew it, but they were both busy living life and raising my baby brother. I felt alone. I looked around the house for anything to take, swallow, drink. I was desperate. I had friends, but no one knew the mental torture I was putting myself through. No one knew.

I literally was holding a bottle of an extremely toxic cleaning agent. In my hands. I was sitting on the floor with tears in my eyes. I was in pain. My hands were shaking. I was reading the ingredients to make sure they would work. I was blinded by it. My heart cried out for help… God delivered.

My baby brother wasn’t more than 5 or 6. I have no doubt he will never remember this day, even though it is etched into my brain. I was sitting on the ground… hurting, and he came into the room. “Shara? Where are you?” “Here. I’m here… What do you need.” I always felt like I was a second mother. Always helping, always watching, always caring for. I imagined it was just another something I was needed for. Something else that just had to be done for my brother. “I’m here…” monotone, in pain, knowing in the deepest darkest part of my heart what I was going to do the moment he was gone.

“I just needed to tell you… I love you.”

I love you…

Love.

One simple word, changed that moment. Changed my world in that second, that I saw a glimpse of light.

Of hope.

I love my brother for that day.

Now, there were days since that day, where I tried much harder to succeed than that – days where I have faced death. Days where I have begged and prayed to God to release me. Days more recent than I would like to admit… but there is always a moment where there is a glimpse of light, even in the darkest moments. Flashes the make the darkest moments light as day. Someone is always there to say the word love. Even if it is the silent voice that only speaks deep into my soul.

What is lacking in today’s society that not enough people are being told they are loved? Why are the children being bullied to the extreme? Why aren’t we parents seeing the moments, right before these children lose hope?

I have been there. I have faced the darkest moments right before death.

It hurts my very core to think that another child… someone who has not even seen the darkest or lightest points in their lives could ever feel so hopeless. I know that I pray wholeheartedly that my children are never faced with that pain. That I will tell them daily that I love them. That I can tell them there is something to live for no matter what they face. That they will always have a reason to search for the light, in their darkest hours. That the light will come.

Friends, if there is ever a moment, talk to someone. Anyone.

If you need help or resources, please know there is hope: http://twloha.com/

A reminder that I am always loved... There is always hope.

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