Posted in Uncategorized on March 1, 2017 by Shara


What happens when you don’t have any faith in yourself?

Life seems desperate, lonely and mad at times.  You feel like a failure regarding every aspect of the daily grind.  You are spinning around in a world that seems to push against you on all sides.  A world that expects you to be a perfect wife, mother, worker, woman…  You feel like you don’t matter.  Where can you put your faith when you feel faithless?

When you’ve lost faith in yourself, then it’s time to put your faith in Jesus.

Lately I’ve felt faithless.  Faithless in myself.  I stepped down from a leadership role that I loved doing at church, to work in retail.  I stepped away from leading and encouraging teams of people to cleaning/scrubbing dishes/making pots of coffee/smiling when I feel heartbroken and generally feeling exhausted at the end of the day, just to do it all again at home, and feeling like a failure in every aspect of my life, every single day. “Why?” you might be asking me right about now.  Why would I leave something I loved to be shoved at the bottom of the pack?  And I’m going to tell you this, every single time…  God told me to.

God?  GOD?  God told me to leave a leadership position, that I had potential to move up in, for THIS?  Yeah…  That’s right.  He did.  AND that’s precisely when I lost faith in myself and my abilities to be a leader, to encourage those around me, to be a speaker someday, to help be God’s voice in a dark and distant world.  Yet, I never lost faith in my God.  I still have faith that He will bring us through this, providing more than we ever could know or expect, or even imagine.  That He will bring us from glory to glory, and even though I may have no faith in myself or my “abilities” anymore, and I am letting those dreams go…  I have complete faith in Him and His plan for my family.

What did God tell me to do, exactly?  He told me to help provide for my family.

And so here I am, faithless little old me, following God to provide for my family, so that my children can have greater things and be greater in the Kingdom.

Are you laughing at me right about now?  I am laughing a little…  Who am I to think that I was meant for greater things?  I am nothing.  I am dust in the wind.  But God.  Whew, now He is something special, and I will follow Him to the ends of the earth and back again if He asked me to.

At first I was crushed.  I felt worthless.  Someone who struggles with worth daily, someone who feels shoved aside so very often, felt once again that she was passed over by God.  “He must really not have great things in store…  I really am worthless to Him.”  And, regardless of my faithlessness in myself or my feelings of worth, I trust God implicitly to lead me, and lead me well.  I know that what I am doing is for my family and right now, and that is what matters.  God has given me this path, and I will follow Him in faith because, surely, I can’t follow myself.

I say, “I am so so tired of building myself back up, all the way from the ground up.  I’m so tired, Lord.”

Today, I sit, feeling faithless in myself once again, and I am reminded of Elijah.

1 Kings 19:4-9a  (VOICE)

He journeyed into the desert for one day and then decided to rest beneath the limbs of a broom tree. There he prayed that his life would be over quickly and that he would die there beneath the tree.

Elijah: I’m finished, Eternal One. Please end my life here and now, even though I have failed, and I am no better than my ancestors.

Elijah then laid himself down under the broom tree and entered into a deep sleep. While he was sleeping, a heavenly messenger came and touched him and gave him instructions.

Messenger: Get up, and eat.

Elijah looked and found a breadcake sitting over charcoal near his head. There was also a jar of water. He ate the food and drank the water, and then he lay back down.

Often the only thing growing in the desert, the small broom tree has enough substance to save Elijah. This bush, whose limbs grow straight up like a broom standing on its end, offers meager shade; but its oil-rich branches and roots make excellent fuel and charcoal; the thick roots travel deep into the ground and offer both water and fire. God provides for Elijah’s needs—nothing more, and nothing less.

The Eternal’s messenger visited him again, touched him, and gave him more instructions.

Heavenly Messenger: Get up, and eat. Your journey ahead is great, and you need plenty of nourishment.

Elijah got up and ate the food and drank the water. His body felt strong again, and he journeyed for 40 more days and 40 more nights to Horeb, God’s mountain where Moses received the Ten Directives. When he arrived at Horeb, he walked into a cave and rested for the night.

Elijah.  Even after all the great and mighty things he had done in the name of The Lord, he felt worthless.  He began and stopped a drought all  in the name of God!  What mighty power God had given him.  And yet, there he was, feeling downcast and afraid, asking to die.  He was depressed.  He was feeling pretty faithless.

When he got to Horeb God said:

1 Kings 19:9b (VOICE)

Eternal One (to Elijah): Why are you here, Elijah? What is it that you desire?

He had lost faith in himself, because he was the only one of the prophets left against enemies that were plotting against him.  God wanted to know his heart, though, and whispered softly into his soul.  God gave him purpose again.  God lifted him back up.  God rebuilt the broken pieces that Elijah had scattered on the ground.  There was no faith in Elijah.  There is only faith in God.

Did you know that God wants to know you intimately?  He aches to hear the desires of your heart.  He wants to know you personally.  He loves you, even when you feel faithless.

Whatever happened to Elijah?  He was swept up to Heaven in a chariot of fire (2 Kings 2:11), after he had accomplished all that God had asked of him.  Elijah didn’t put his faith in himself, but he followed God with a power and passion that none could parallel at the time.  He fought his inner demons, his feelings of worth, to do powerful things in the name of God.  He followed the path of righteousness right up to Heaven.  Are you willing to do the same?  Am I?

It’s fair to say that we will stumble.  It is fair to say that we will lose faith in ourselves time and again.  It is fair to say that our hearts are full of deceit.  But don’t ever lose faith in God, because he has mighty things in store, even if it’s “just” providing for your family.  Even if it’s to lead your children well.  Even if it’s to encourage just those few coworkers that are around you day in and day out.  Even if it’s to speak into the lives of your children, your family or your friends.  Even if it’s to be God’s voice over your own life…  Those are the great things God asks of us.  My dreams of being “more” may be dashed, but I am confident that I am doing as God has asked, and I am fully prepared to continue on this path, because this is what God asked of me.  I do not intend to lead, encourage or speak outside of my tiny little sphere, unless God leads me there, which He may never do.  My faith is no longer in myself or in my dreams or desires, but entirely in God and His dreams and desires, because His ways are perfect, and I trust in Him.


When you no longer have faith in yourself, it’s time to listen to Jesus…

Mark 5:41c (MSG)

“Little girl, get up.”

It’s time.  It’s time to GET UP and have faith in Him.


Wait, I’m the experienced Mom?

Posted in Uncategorized on February 9, 2016 by Shara


I’m not exactly sure how it happened, or exactly when, but all of a sudden I became the “experienced Mom”.  You know the one….   That Mom that you might ask advice from.  Or that answers first when you have a parenting question.  The one who’s really “got things handled”, because she’s got a bunch of kids, and they are all in one piece at the end of the day.  She’s the one who can put a baby to sleep in one minute flat just by doing the 4 S’s (Side, Swaddle, Sway & Shhh).  The one who you think, “Man, she really knows what she’s doing!” as you feel like you are dropping the parenting ball all over the place.

Guess what.  I’m not experienced!  I’m dropping the ball all over the place. ALL. OVER. THE. PLACE.  Like, I can barely keep it together by the end of the day!  The only reason I’m handling this parenting thing at all is because I’ve got 4 kids, and I realize that tomorrow is a brand new day, and I get to start again with a fresh page (Remember that, and you can get through anything life throws your way.  I’m serious!  Anything)!

I have NO idea how to raise an 11 year old, and dude, that is coming up majorly quick, and this 10 year old thing has been crazy hard.  I am not experienced in raising 4 children with 4 distinct personalities and quirks.  I’m not experienced at having 4 kids in school, and then trying to figure out what to do with myself while I’m alone for the first time in 10 years.  I’m not as experienced as you think, I just learned a few tricks along the way.  And guess what, you will too!

When you see that Mom across the room who seems to have it all handled and her kids are completely being awesome.  Remember, she’s just as scared about the next phase as you are.  She might have four kids, and you might only have one right now.  But, as your baby is learning to sleep through the night, she might be having sleepless nights too, because her kids need help with homework until all hours.  Just know that she is 100% willing to help you, because that’s what she wanted for herself and we’re all in this parenting thing together.  So, let’s help each other along!

Dont ever hesitate to ask the “experienced” Mom for advice.  Remember though, that she might be going through a hard time where she feels not so experienced, and like she’s failing every step of the way, and maybe, just maybe, if you ask her how it’s going, she might need advice from you too.  ❤️

I just want to eat like a grown-up.

Posted in Uncategorized on January 13, 2016 by Shara

Hey there Momma Squad at the Mall,

I see you eye-ing my friend and I, while we sit alone at another table, while our kids sit at the kiddie tables provided in the eating area.  I see the three of you, all squatting down to sit next to your children.  All 7 of you trying to sit at a pint sized table with pint sized chairs.  You were even wearing your baby!  I commend you.  I don’t think my knees would have taken the stress of getting up from that table!  You looked over at me with daggers in your eyes and you shook your head while I sat steps away from my four-year-old son.  I saw you mouth to your friends, “Where are their parents?” and then say, “Oh, at the table over there.” as you rolled your eyes.

Did you know I can read lips?  I lost 70% of my hearing as a child, and that was a skill I picked up on.  It stuck with me, even after I got my hearing back.

What you do not know about me is that I have four children.  The child sitting steps away from my table, is my youngest.  He is strong, independant, self reliant, smart, funny and a Momma’s boy!  He and his little friends chose the table that they wanted to sit at, and I graciously set out all their food, and then sat down at a big persons table, not too far away.  There was a big honking pole in-between us, but between my friend and I, we could see all three of our children perfectly.  They knew exactly where we were, and were sitting so well-behaved!  I was proud that I could actually enjoy a Mommy conversation at a big table!  That doesn’t happen too very often, but I was enjoying every second of my “freedom”.

You know, I’ve learned a lot about parenting in the last 10 years of being a Mom.  Like, I pick my battles.  I pick my battles with my kids, with my husband, with my mother-in-law, with my Mom, with my friends!  There are things that are more important than where we sit at lunchtime.  I have learned to trust my children at the ages that they are, and I’ve learned to give them flexible boundaries.  That doesn’t always happen.  My kids are still not allowed to play in the front yard alone without an adult present.  Not because I don’t trust my kids, but because I don’t always trust that the cars driving swiftly by are always watching out for the kids that live on this street, like I am.  I am cautious.  I am fearful.  But I am also learning that part of a child learning and for them to learn to be psychologically whole is being able to know that they are responsible for themselves and their manners, and that they CAN do it!   My son knew that Momma was nearby, but that he is a big boy and knows how to sit at a table in a public area without making a spectacle.  He knows he is trusted to have a nice lunch at his own table with his own friends, just like his Momma is having with hers.

I’ve also learned that one of the most important things is not to judge other Momma’s for doing it different than me.

I love that you sat with your kiddos!  I remember those days.  It was sweet and fun, but now, I know my son needs that lunchtime with his friends, just as much as I need it with mine.  I used to sit on the floor, scrunched up at a mini-table when my oldest kiddos were little, too.  I’ve changed…  I’ve evolved as a Mother.  I loved what I was able to do then, when I had three in diapers at the same time.  But, I love where I am at now, too!

I’m sorry if you thought I was being neglectful.  I’m sorry if I hurt your heart by me being at a different table than my child.  I am sorry if you were jealous…

I would just hope that next time you might come up to me and say how awesome it is that my son is being such a big boy!  Tell him what a great job he is doing!  Encourage his little heart, because that’s what I did later that afternoon, before his three big siblings got home from school.

I’m glad we are all in this Mommy-ing thing together!  It’s hard enough to know what’s right and wrong, but we can do it and raise some awesome kids in the process!  Keep doing what you do, Momma, but please, be considerate of what I do too.

I just want to eat lunch like a grown-up sometimes!  Maybe next time I’ll sit at the kiddie table to remember days gone by.  And then once my son gets mad at me for ruining his social time with his friends, and I get up, and I walk around funny for the rest of the day because my knees hurt, I’ll remember that it’s nice that there are days when I get to be a grown-up, too!


The Momma Over There…  You know, the one with the pink hair.  But, that’s a conversation for anther time.


Happy Anniversary

Posted in Uncategorized on April 25, 2015 by Shara

Happy Anniversary.

Be Brave.

Posted in Uncategorized on January 17, 2015 by Shara

Leonardo da Vinci

It the midst of winter, when the days drag on, and the clouds seem just a little too close for comfort, it is hard not to wallow.  The sun rarely shines.  Sicknesses drag on and on.  Friends seem a little far and few between, because who wants to venture out in this?  And who has the time between being sick or taking care of others that are sick?  Depression sets in, and it’s hard to even smile.

So, we gather and hide behind social media.  We laugh at something silly someone posts and write a witty comment about it.  We chat online, chumming with our friends.  We play games with our friends!  We joke and then show pictures of our cute kids/pets/spouses/lives.  We share touching stories or blogs we find.  But we don’t see what’s behind the façade.  People see us as happy-go-lucky, without a care in the world!  We desperately say, “Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!”  “Look at how beautiful the curtain is!”  And most people…  most people are distracted enough about the glitz and glamour of what is going on in front of the curtain, that they don’t bother to pull back the curtain and see what’s really going on.  They don’t see the desperation on the other side.  The desperation of a soul that is tragically withdrawn.  The desperation of a soul that is struggling to make it day by day.

I’ve recently had a friend just stop trying to be friends with me anymore.  It was a pretty harsh slap in the face.  We had disagreed about something on a social media post, and I had written her an apology a few days later, stating my point of view but letting her know I still loved her, and cherished our friendship, and that I had hoped that a deeper conversation about the subject would follow.

She never wrote back or acknowledged I had even written to her.

That was almost two months ago.

I was heartbroken when I realized she wasn’t going to pursue this friendship.  I went through the stages of grief.  I denied the fact that I was in any way at fault.  I denied that anything was wrong.  Then I was angry.  I was so angry that she had the audacity to completely ignore me.  Anger for me, lingers much longer than it should.  I stayed angry.  Afterwards?  I bargained with myself, “Isn’t this friendship important?  Why don’t YOU pursue it?” only to turn around and be depressed by the fact that I did write an apology, and in turn, the friendship just must not have meant that much if she so willingly dropped me like a bad habit.  What was wrong with ME then?  What was wrong with me?  Then acceptance.  I did what I could do.  I could do nothing more than accept that this person no longer wanted a deeper friendship.  And once I accepted it?  I could breath again.

This is just a tiny portion of what I’ve been through the last few years.  Just a tiny glimpse into my life.

My Facebook posts during the last few months?  They never alluded to my struggling friendship.  To my struggling life.  Never once said, “I HATE MYSELF.  I HATE MY LIFE!   YOU SHOULD ALL HATE ME TOO.”  because some days, that is what I wanted to scream.  I would just post another cute photograph of our new puppy on my status and say something witty that happened with my kids that day.

I hide a lot behind social media.  I hide a lot behind my smile.  I hide a lot behind my extroverted husband.  I hide a lot from myself, because I’m afraid of what I will see.  I’m so afraid of what others will see and say.

I’ve asked God why I go through these seemingly small struggles.  Why I let them weigh on my chest and drag me down.  I wonder what lessons God is trying to teach me.

And then I sit back and think.  I sit back and let God speak.  Quietly.  Gently.

I’ve been through a lifetime of heartache and struggles.  Some of my own making, and some through the hands of others.  But I rarely open my mouth to tell anyone about them.  I rarely let anyone see what it is like to be a mother that struggles with deep depression, and still gets up day after day.  I never let on what living with anxiety is like.  What it’s like living when you don’t want to.  I rarely let anyone glimpse behind the curtain by making the outside so beautiful to look at.  I never let anyone know that God helps those who are low.  That He lifts up those that struggle, the ones crying out from the deep dark places of their souls.  That He covers us all in love and compassion.

So, today I choose to stand up.  Today I choose to be brave.  Today I choose to say that my life is not as perfect as you may think.  I struggle.  I feel lost.  I hide.  I also choose to write out loud that I struggle with life.  You might too.  Let’s stand together.  Let’s lift one another up.  Let’s look past the surface, and see what God is doing on the inside.  Maybe we can help someone else see God, when they otherwise can not.

Instead of hiding behind our curtains, can we be brave and reach out to one another?  Can we be intentional with our conversations?  Our words?  You can be intentional through social media by reaching out and private messaging someone, commenting on a post, being a friend.  You can be intentional by making a phone call, even if it’s hard to fit into your day.  You can be intentional by making time for friends despite a disagreement you might have, or a passing view that this person’s comments on social media might be annoying.  Instead think that maybe, just maybe, you need to be reaching out to that person in love, because they might be going through something that you can help with.  Maybe God is telling you, through your own frustration with them, that they need you now, more than ever.  And perhaps, you need to talk to them.  Or instead of hiding behind a status, we can say, “Things are tough today…  Let me tell you why.”  Start real conversations and real relationships by being real and by being brave.

Open up your doors during this long winter’s night.  Make an effort to say hello.

Be a shining light in the darkness, because the days are short and the nighttime comes all to soon.  The beacon that shines in the distance can be a beacon of hope during the long winters, when the sun barely shines, and the clouds close in so tight.

Stand tall against the winter’s storm that rages from within.




Missing out on life…

Posted in Uncategorized on November 3, 2014 by Shara


As I pondered Jesus’ words today, it made me sad to think that I am missing out on God’s glory because I am preoccupied with “life”, of picking up my past messes.  To me, what is life without God?  Truthfully, it is an empty and lonely place.  All too often I am sucked back into that place of darkness.

I’m 34 years old.  After 34 years of feeling around in the dark places of my soul, and feeling nothing but emptiness and broken glass, you tend to lose hope.  You sink into despair.  You lose hope in yourself that you can do it on your own.  Truth is, I can’t do it alone.  I can’t do it without Him.

Jesus.  Jesus, is beautiful and filled with LIGHT.  It hurts to look directly at Him as He enters in, after being sheathed in darkness for so long.  Sometimes I look away from the light, and retreat back into my dark places.  Because not only does the light allow me to see, but it allows me to see all that is broken within me.  The light allows others to see my broken pieces too.  Just the vast amount of broken pieces that seem overwhelming.  But The Light keeps coming back into view.  He sits down next to me, as I try to pick up those broken pieces, and all I can say is “I’m sorry.  I’m sorry…”  I dropped my wholeness, and it broke into a million shards of glass that I can not fix.  We each try to hold onto our wholeness.  But, as life goes on in the darkness, it is too hard to carry.  It is too hard to see, and when you stumble in those dark recesses of your mind, it is inevitable that you will drop your wholeness.  Perhaps you’ve given your “wholeness” to someone else that you’ve found in the darkness to carry, but their lives are dark too, and they can’t keep it safe.

Jesus comes to me, he’s got His wholeness to give in my stead, and He stands next to me and holds it.  He will never let it go.

He will never let me go.

So, what am I missing now that He stands by my side?  Why am I still trying to retreat into the darkness?  Why am I still trying to pick up my broken pieces, cutting myself in the process?

Jesus has enough light  so that I don’t stumble and fall.

I am missing LIFE when I don’t focus my eyes on the light.

Because of Him, I can finally see.  And be seen.

My case against ‘BFF’s’ and why I don’t have one.

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on September 18, 2014 by Shara

“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.”  Groucho Marx


I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently about the term ‘best friends’ and what it entails.   When I googled ‘Best Friend + definition’ the first thing that came up was a definition that said, “The one friend who is closest to you.”  Urban dictionary said, “Best Friends are very special people in your life. They are the first people you think about when you make plans. They are the first people you go to when you need someone to talk to.”  And even still, one more definition came up with the meaning, “The definition of a best friend is a person who you value above other friends in your life, someone you have fun with, someone you trust and someone in whom you confide.”

And I’ve sat back… thought long and hard about it, and decided; I don’t have a best friend.  I don’t have anyone that considers me their best friend, either, if we want to be perfectly honest.  For a very long time, I was upset and angry about it.  I pleaded with God to bring me a best friend to call my very own!  I would wonder why people weren’t best friend material!  Was it something about them?  No, not them…  Then I would ask God what was wrong with me that made people not want to be my best friend.  Perhaps there is still something to go on there, and I’m sure we could analyze that one for hours (and I think that is a post for another time).  But, what I’ve come to realize, is that I’m a damn good friend, and I don’t have to be someone’s bestie to still be an awesome friend, or to have them be a meaningful part of my life.  BFF’s are cool, but I’m no less of a person if I don’t have one.  At least, I think so.

Back in 1980-something, I remember going to some quirky little jewelry store and picking a “Best Friends” necklace to wear with the person I was best friends with at the time. What’s most interesting to me is I don’t think I ever gave the other half of the necklace away.  It stayed in my twirling ballerina jewelry box, collecting dust, eventually being thrown out, or perhaps getting lost.  I can’t really remember.  Plus, I moved a lot as a child.  Before we moved to Illinois the year I was turning 11, we moved almost every year.  I don’t regret the decisions of my parents to move that often.  I don’t blame them.  It was hard for my Mom to be a single mother, raising a baby, and then when she was re-married to my step-Dad, figuring out their life together.  That life didn’t always mean that I went to the same school one, two or three years in a row, and that was okay.  I made friends.  I usually attached myself to one person, but by the time we moved to Illinois, I realized it was too hard to keep a best friend, and into adulthood, some of the friends I thought were my besties, ended up just being friends in the end.  It never meant that they were any less of a good friend.  It just means, we went down different paths.

I know a lot of people who have BFF’s. They’ve known these people for years, sometimes their whole lives.  And I sometimes I feel like it would be nice to have ONE person that you ALWAYS turn to when you are going through something tough.  Many times, that’s when I stuff (it isn’t always the right thing to do, but it’s what I do).  When I know I need to reach out to someone or get something off my chest, I might talk to a few people.  But none of them I’d consider my BFF.  I never call one particular person in the middle of the night.  Whenever I’ve been at my lowest, I’ve tried reaching out to people, and usually, I get the voicemail, and honestly that’s probably for the best.  If I can’t talk myself down from the ledge, would someone else be able to?  I’m not about to drag someone else down into my spiral of self-loathing.  So, I sleep it off, and 9 times out of 10, I feel 100% better in the morning, and I have a clearer conscience, and I regret that I even tried to reach out to anyone at all.  So, I’ve learned that if something is really laying heavy on my heart and I’ve been dealing with it for a few days, I reach out to the key people who I know have good advice, but otherwise, I need to take a breath and step back, sleep it off, and know that God brings new mercies every morning.

I have always been a little envious of the people who considered their Mom a best friend. I was angry for a very long time about it, too.  I was angry that my Mom had a best friend, and I didn’t.  I was angry because I thought she didn’t care enough about me to consider me one of her best friends.  I wanted desperately to have her be my confidant.  I wanted her to be close enough to me to WANT to be my friend.  But, over the years, I have realized something.  No matter how hard you want something, it doesn’t mean that it is going to happen.  No matter how hard I wanted my Mom to be the first person I called, the first person I thought of, the first person I ran to when times were tough, that wasn’t the truth.  I did go to my parents when I was in over my head, most of the time.  But, mostly, I just figured it out myself.  I am okay with that now.  In essence, I’ve grown up.  I’ve learned to rely on myself better.  I’ve learned that I am capable of so much more than I ever imagined.  If my Mom was my friend and helped me with everything, then I would use that as a crutch in my life, instead of learning how to stand and survive on my own two feet.

My heart breaks a little every time someone who’s married says, “My husband/wife is my best friend! I can’t imagine life without them!”  Someone even once said that they hoped God would allow him and his spouse to co-habitate in heaven, because she was his perfect match, and he can’t even imagine eternity without her.  That is a beautiful thought, and at one time, I wished that too, with my whole heart.  Until I realized it wasn’t mutual.  My husband never would say something like that to my face, but whenever I would wish that thought out loud, his eyes would gloss over a bit, and I realized it wasn’t his dream.  And while I can’t imagine life without my husband and I even thought for a long time that he was my best friend, I realize now, it just isn’t the reality in my own life.  Guess what?  He doesn’t fill the best friend role.  And guess what else? I don’t fill that role for him, either.  And right now, that’s truthfully okay.  He’s always had other “besties”.  He’s had one friend he’s known since he was 5, and they are still as close as brothers.  Other friends have come and gone, but there have been several guys that he would consider best friends.  The guys he calls on when he needs a helping hand, a beer, or just someone to vent with.  He doesn’t vent to me.  I’m not his sounding board.  I’m not the first person he turns to when he needs to get something off his chest.  Recently, he’s been under a lot of stress between work and school, and he doesn’t really talk to me about much other than what is going on that day/week with each other’s schedules or what’s happening with the kids.  At one time, I thought there was something wrong with us and our relationship.  He’s had more guy weekends away with his best guy friends than he has ever had with me (we haven’t even been away together, just the two of us).  And I spent so much of my life feeling hurt and angry about it.  I mean, I spend years of my life thinking I should be more meaningful in his life.  I’ve come to finally realize recently though, that just because he chooses other “best friends” over me to talk and relate to, and because he wants to spend more time with them when he gets the chance, over date nights, or weekends away with me, that it doesn’t mean we aren’t GOOD friends.  And it certainly doesn’t mean he doesn’t cherish me as his spouse.  That is a tough realization, I know.  It hurts a little even writing the words down.  But I know it as truth.  And I am accepting the reality of my life.  We spend every day together.  Sometimes he might just need a weekend away from me with his best friends for him to get back on track with life.  He just needs to ease his stress, and blow off some steam.  Spending a weekend at the Lakehouse with his best friends is cheap, relaxing and a way to unwind.  Spending a weekend away with me, just adds stress for him.  It isn’t relaxing, and it just hurts our marriage more than not because we think of all the other things we should be doing instead.  It’s just not high on the importance scale.  As much as I would love to imagine getting away as being this blissful time of reconnecting and celebrating one another…  What is the reality of it?  The reality is, I have to scour the earth for a babysitter who can watch all 4 kids overnight, possibly longer.  We have to budget so carefully that it might even hurt us financially to go anywhere, so going anywhere that requires an overnight hotel is out of the question.  A bed and breakfast, HA!  All-inclusive vacation to the beach, don’t even get me started about how stressful that would end up being!   Even date nights are getting more and more expensive.  What used to be a $50 night to reconnect, now is upwards of $100 or more.  That money has a place in our lives.  That money either goes towards God, or towards keeping a roof over our heads and clothes on our backs.  “Take a staycation, Shara!  Working on your relationship is so important in marriage!  Have someone watch the kids, and just stay together at home.”  Home…  home is where the bills and projects are.  Home is stressful.  Home is piles of laundry and a whirlwind of toys.  Chores.  If I’m at home, then I’m planning on working on what needs to get done, when I actually have the time to do it.  And yes, it’s important to ‘work on our relationship’.  But what does that even mean?  It’s different for everyone. I understand the concept to be true, but it is not always how real life works.  My parents took amazing vacations together and celebrated little anniversaries as well as big ones, and after 26 years, they are still getting divorced.  What does that tell me?  No matter what you do, life doesn’t ever turn out the way you expect it to.  So, right now, I can’t indulge in the fantasy of spending exclusive time with my spouse, because in the end, he’ll just be bitter with me about spending unnecessary money and that will hurt us more than help, and it will just hurt my heart more than heal it.  He is my husband, and I cherish him and all he does for us.

So, is my marriage perfect? No.  Should my hubby and I spend more time together?  Probably.  That isn’t a reality at the moment though.  Is being best friends the answer?  Probably not.  Is it okay that I don’t have a best friend at all?  Yes.  It’s totally acceptable.

And here’s why.

I said this before, and I’ll say it again. I’m a damn good friend.  I will make you coffee, and sit down with you and chat for hours on end!  I laugh at your funny stories, and I am there when you need to talk in the middle of the night, I’m an awesome shoulder to cry on.  I don’t do that with one particular person, I do it with whomever needs me most.  I will drop everything to be there for someone in need.  It’s just who I am.

The first person I think about when I wake up? Probably my kids.  This doesn’t mean you aren’t important in my life!  In all actuality, you are pretty important!  I just have a laundry list of things to get done!  And that’s okay!  I think about and pray about whoever God places on my heart that day, and most likely, I’ll reach out to you and see how it’s going.

Who do I have fun with? All my friends!  If that means sitting on the couch watching a movie with the hubby, or if it means going out with the girls and singing some off-key karaoke, I’m going to have fun with you, because if I didn’t enjoy your company, I wouldn’t be friends with you in the first place.

So, breaking it down today. I might not have a best friend, but I have a lot of awesome friends that I love and I would lay my life down for.  And not having a BFF, that’s okay.  Because I am me, and it’s taken a long time for me to get to who I am, and where I am today.  I will love you exactly where you are and who you are.  And if you’ve already got a BFF, that’s awesome!  I’m glad to be your friend!  Just because I’m not my hubby’s best friend, doesn’t mean we aren’t friends at all, or that we love each other any less.  Just because I don’t have a best friend, doesn’t mean there is something wrong with me or you, or anyone, It just means that’s the way life is, and that is perfectly okay.